Why forgiveness can set you free
please enjoy this photo from my senior year of high school :)
Dear Younger Me,
Don’t be afraid to be wrong. You’re going to be wrong and you’re going to have to suck it up and apologize if you want to be in relationship more than you want to be right.
Love,
Older Me
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In part 1 of this 8-part series, I get a little personal, digging a little deeper into what wisdom I wish I could give my younger self, all the while remembering that God’s got me, mistakes and all. 😊
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Have you ever been really, really 100% positive about something … only to find out later that you were 100% wrong?
When I was a teen, I hated being wrong.
Even now, I don’t really like it. But God has been gracious to work gently in my life in pointing out how my arrogance isn’t just dangerous, but destructive.
If I can’t (or won’t even try to) see someone else’s perspective, I definitely can’t be a very empathetic friend, sister, daughter, coworker, wife, etc.
When it comes to people you’re close to, a mentor once encouraged me to think about it this way: Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship?
Being “in relationship” with someone — whether it’s a friend, parent, your annoying little sister, boyfriend, or someday husband — requires some sacrifice and compromise, right? Nobody’s perfect.
You’re not always going to see things the exact same way, and sometimes, you may need to make that hard decision to give up your own way. 😬
To admit you messed up and apologize first. 😬
To recognize that your perspective was coming from a place of pride instead of a place of partnership. 👀
But how do you know when to apologize + move on vs. when to fight for what you need?
Here are a few things I’ve learned that can help with this process:
Start with prayer! Ask God to help you clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (Colossians 3:12).
Give yourself space. Help your body regulate itself by taking a few deep breaths and getting some space away from the person or situation so you can relax a little and let the frontal lobe of your brain (aka the part responsible for logical thinking) have a turn at assessing your situation.
Ask yourself, “Why do I care about this so much?” A lot of times, when I notice something is digging up a deep emotion in me, if I actually pause and reflect, I’ll discover it’s tied to something I really, really care about — maybe a core value of mine that someone else isn’t upholding or something that’s hurt me in the past that I’m trying to avoid being hurt by again.
If I can be real with myself about why I care, it helps me decide where the reaction is coming from and if it’s actually coming from a root of pride or a root of compassion. Which, in turn, can help determine to let the thing go or to press in.Sidenote: Being real with yourself in this way can be tough work to uncover. If you haven’t practiced much, give yourself some grace in this step and don’t be afraid to ask God to help you be brave in seeing the truth and/or get the help of a trained counselor.
Apply the 10-10-10 rule. I didn’t learn about the 10-10-10 framework until grad school, but it’s a great way to give yourself a gift you don’t have in the present moment: hindsight. 😉
Applying this rule is simple. Just ask yourself, “Will this thing matter to me in 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years?” In other words, what would Older You be proud of Younger You for choosing today?
If the outcome really won’t make a difference in your life or another person’s life 10 months or 10 years from now, you may be able to admit you were wrong (or don’t care anymore) and move on. If the outcome will matter a decent amount down the road, then you can choose to press in.Communicate openly + honestly. Here’s where the “suck it up and apologize” portion of my advice to myself kicks in. If you were wrong and the situation turns out to be a minor one, try sharing a quick apology that can let everyone move on.
Example: Team, I’m sorry I got the trivia question wrong. I really thought that Olivia Rodriguez and Selena Gomez were cousins! If we end up losing this game because we missed it, that’s on me.
On the other hand, if you were wrong but the situation has some more long-term consequences, try seeking reconciliation. Be as open + honest as you feel comfortable about why it hurt you and how that person could make it right to you. Pro-tip: Remember to use lots of I-statements!
Example: In my mind, you were the reason I couldn’t get to Emma’s party on time but I was actually running behind too, so I’m sorry for blaming you. One of my core values is integrity and I see it as loving when I arrive somewhere at the time I say I’m going to be there. Next time, I’d love for us to agree the night before about what time we need to leave. Will you forgive me?
All in all, I hope you can experience the true freedom that comes from admitting you’re wrong.
Because it’s only when we humble ourselves to admit our shortcomings that we become free. Fully free to be ourselves and to receive full forgiveness and love — at the very least from our Heavenly Father, and also from those around us.
✨
Laura Fooks considers herself a curator of people, content, joy and happiness. She’s the Chief Encouragement Officer of Light Speaks Loudest, and loves spending her free time exploring Denver with her husband and goldendoodle pup. You can follow her on Instagram @lauramfooks.